January 18, 2000
Sifting through the annual collection of greeting cards that arrived during the recent holiday season, I came across one with a special twist. It caught my attention earlier but I had to chuckle aloud upon reading it again a few weeks later. In this age of politically correct awareness and hypersensitivity, it is a fine antidote to some of the no-no's being foisted upon us. Here it is, solely for your entertainment.
"Please accept, with no obligation, implied or expressed, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the holiday of your choice on or about the winter solstice, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and-or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all, and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2000, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped to make America great (not to imply that America is greater than any other country or is the only 'America' in the Western hemisphere) and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.
"Notice, Disclaimer and Conditions of Greeting: By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable, provided there is no alteration to the original greeting, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. There is no promise by the wisher, expressed or implied, to actually implement any of the wishes for himself or others. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to the replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
"(Note: As used herein, 'holiday' is limited to its secular meaning, without regard to its English language derivation from the words 'holy day'.")
There. That should satisfy even the most discriminating wishee. Isn't it better than just saying "Happy Holidays?" Well, you be the judge. Feel free to borrow either phrase at the appropriate time. And you have a good one, hear?