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June 21, 2002

How about some more light reading for a summerís day? The following will not tie you in mental or physical knots. My thanks to a contributor who chooses to remain anonymous. The opinions expressed are someone elseís and not necessarily mine. Enjoy.

Consider the sign that says, NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE. Does that mean that as long as I have on a shirt and shoes I can take off my pants and get a bacon cheeseburger?

As we have proved with many of our popular American sports, it is better to have the violence on the field rather than in the bleachers.

If the deer had guns too, then, and only then, would hunting be a real sport.

I am to golf what Muammar Gaddafi is to world peace.

Educate your athletes and most of them will quit playing ball and start hanging around playing video games with the other students.

Doing PR for the Atlanta Falcons was a little like doing PR for the Italian army during World War II.

Ted Turner has put his foot in his mouth so many times over the years, his front teeth are starting to protrude.

Remember how cowboys in Western movies could get into fifteen-minute gun fights and never have to reload their pistols?

I want to point out that Iím a dog lover who brushes his teeth regularly, still has his hair, loves egg sandwiches, and often entertains friends doing a simply marvelous impression of FDR declaring war on Japan in 1941. Now, how are you going to get all that in a classified ad?

As long as most men can still outrun most women, thereís always hope for me.

Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche.

Today we are urged to eat cereals with names like Nutra-Grain. Isnít that something they feed to cows in Nebraska?

It is true I had some relatives who fought for the South in the Civil War, but they werenít fighting to save slavery. They were fighting to make Yankee men dress better when they visited Southern beaches.

Newspapers are the only romance in my life that hasnít eventually picked up and left me.

Some authors, I am told, write out their books in longhand. Thatís because they never learned to type. Thatís why Edgar Allen Poe wrote all that weird stuff. His hands and fingers were always hurting him. The pain became so intense he began to see talking ravens.

Now you have to guess if Iím making this up. Being a columnist is great fun. A newspaper is a living, breathing thing, and to pick up yours as it comes off a press when it is still warm is to hold your newborn.