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April 18, 2003

Let's have a few chuckles, thanks to a thoughtful reader who passes along the following for our amusement. I'm not sure where these originated, but maybe you have had similar thoughts.

Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write: "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you."

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniff, mutter "married," then walk off. That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's hard to get rid of that April fresh scent that no self-respecting bachelor would use.

Did you know that it costs 40,000 a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for $40 thousand bucks apiece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run 12 hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say, "I don't know?" It cost 90 cents to call up and they're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone." (Says into phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up, looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls phone sex girls @ $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood."

Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi! It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'share the love.' Beep." "Uh, this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."

FINE. This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES. This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.

NOTHING. This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "five minutes" and end with the word "fine."

"GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)." This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "nothing" and will end with the word "fine." GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows). This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "GO AHEAD" in just a few minutes, followed by "nothing" and "fine." And she will talk to you in about "five minutes" when she cools off.

That's enough vinegar and vitriol for one session. Have a good one!