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February 6, 2004

Some former associates who are still involved with production of the Army newspaper, Stars and Stripes, have come up with a collection of puns and witty sayings. They seemed amusing to me, so I thought you might get a chuckle out of then, too. I've selected a few of the printable ones for this column and maybe you will enjoy them. You think maybe these guys have too much time on their hands? Anyways, here we go:

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. No body gets out alive anyway

There are two kinds of pedestrians: The quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead?"

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Get the last word in: Apologize.

Enough of that for now. Here's some more, kind of along the same line from a good friend in Texas.

Making money in the stock market is easy. Just buy stock in companies that will merge. Here are merger predications from Gary in New York, who knows lots about these matters:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush and W.P. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale Mary Fuller Grace

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and Zesta Crackers will join forces and become: Poly Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

We'll save the rest of these for another time. Hope you liked this installment.