May 28, 2005
The U.S. Postal Service has faithfully delivered another grab-bag of quick and easy bits of humor from an anonymous friend, and I am doing my part by passing them on to you. Hope you enjoy each of these.
Jackie Clark: Television sets are becoming very popular in automobiles these days. My uncle has a television set in his automobile, but it led to a little trouble. You see, he was sitting in the car catching television while his wife was driving on the highway at sixty miles per hour. Then the commercial came on and he stepped out to go to the bathroom.
Then there was the fellow who sat three hours in the car wash. He thought it was raining too hard to drive.
Gloria's father was aware of her wild ways and steadfastly refused to get her a car for her days at college. Gloria continued to badger her father until, finally, he gave in and bought her a new Mercedes. He told her if she had as much as one traffic ticket he would take the car away from her.
Gloria promptly had the chassis widened and the body lowered. She was tooling along the highway at 110 miles per hour when she spotted a motorcycle cop, in her rear-view mirror. She hit the gas but still the cop came on. Finally in desperation she headed into a filling station, managing to slow down just enough to avoid tipping over. She dashed into the ladies’ room. When she returned to her car the cop had his boot on the bumper ready to write a ticket. She smiled sweetly, got back into the car as if nothing was amiss and said, "Bet you thought I wouldn't make it."
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatic: Only 1- Hands are already in the air.
Pentecostal: 10 - One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None - Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None - Candles only. (Of guaranteed origin of course.)
Baptist: At least 15 - One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.
Episcopalians: 3 - One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Mormons: One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodist: Undetermined - Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.
Nazarene: 6 - One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None - Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish: What's a light bulb?
And that's all for today folks.