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July 2, 2005

Here we have some "Redneck" lines for your amusement. Are they funny? Many of us think so. Before we leave this format, though, stay with this for a moment.

Fellow in our Adult Sunday School class at the Perry Presbyterian Church waved his hand after the teacher asked for examples of "modern-day miracles." My friend is a rancher. One recent morning he noticed some cattle belonging to a neighbor were on his wheat pasture. Fearing one of the animals might stumble into an old gopher hole and break a leg, or something like that, he decided to call the neighbor. Oops! The cell phone line was busy. So, he called the neighbor's Dad, who lived nearby. Bingo! He made an immediate connection and explained the problem. "Well," said the Dad, "I understand the problem and would be glad to help you out, but you see I am in Boston." That was the end of the conversation. Another way of clearing away the cattle was figured out, and the incident had a happy ending.

Now, back to the original beginning of this column. Read and enjoy.

Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch' em.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... when the pastor says "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... opening day of duck season is recognized as an official church holiday.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... Baptism is referred to as branding.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...people think "rap music" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... instead of a bell, patrons are called to service by a duck call.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the minister and his wife are driving matching pickup trucks.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the communion has Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the final words of benediction are, "Y'all come back now!! Ya Hear!